Patterns are nature’s way of preserving itself. It is a survival mechanism. As humans and as a natural organism, we have the same tendency. Patterns of behaviors are efficient and effective mechanism to deal with the vast variety of stimuli and changes in our environments.Some patterns become so fundamental that they become part of our blue prints and genetic make up. They are what we call reflexes. We see a snake and we automatically identify danger and act (fight, flee or freeze).
Some other patterns are less automatic and are developed personally and based on our life experiences, upbringing and culture.
To most Muslims, for example, the sight of ham is repulsive and will initiate some form of negative action. Yet for other cultures this might be an enjoyable or neutral trigger.
Not all patterns are positive and they do not remain functional forever. To maintain efficient behavior and to evolve we need to keep examining our patterns.
Dysfunctional patterns need to be changed or eliminated.
Human patterns come in different combinations of Feel, Think and Act – not necessarily in order. I feel threatened, I think I should retaliate then I hit. Or I might think I should save my fragile self and I simply accept what is being forced on my. The choice of action may vary according to the situation or the environment, but if I have a strong pattern it will prevail most of the time.
Sometimes one of the Feel, Think, Act elements is absent or unconscious or reflexive. I meet a person of a certain race and I feel scared. I see an Arab and think “terrorist” ;) I feel depressed and I eat chocolate. I exercise and I feel good .. etc. This is typically how compulsive behavior, stereotypes and biases develop.
Not all stereotypes are negative. I meet Egyptian and I think “funny”, a Bahraini and think “kind”, and Italian and think “mafia” :) and many other typical or personal stereotypes.
A healthy regular exercise is identifying your patterns and assessing their functionality. As a personal example, as a mother, whenever I think my child needs me, I feel responsible and I step in, take over and do things for them. When reviewing this pattern I realized this is not an efficeint pattern. I am creating dependent kids and limited creativity. So now, every time I think they need help, I have to remind myself to step a way and let them handle the situation on their own. I wait for them to ask for help and even then I resist taking over and only give hints and guidance.
My Question: What is a pattern you have and wish to change?
18 comments:
first to comment,cookie please :)
hmm pattern, maybe waking up every morning and heading to work ! i want to break that habbit or pattern :)
abi early retirement
Fuzzy .. LOL Don't we all :)
Chithi lik cookie o robo3 3indina ana o Witty ;)
This is a routine. I am asking for Feel, Think and Act pattern.
Like, when I feel depressed, I eat cookies and think happy thoughts ;)
ok,
when i feel like walking, i think, then i move my right foot first, followed by my left foot.
how can i change this pattern ?!!!
Dear Ummel3yal,
hmmm.. I have many patterns that I like and I know of but the patterns I hate about myself are unconcious I guess! I can recall one, that is my hasty reflexes! I tend to formulate a conclusion and act upon it without reason! That ofcourse in the instant situations not in the deep issues. But still, I wish I would settle for a facial expression rather than some unnecessary probably not-meant words!
The patterns that I compose and like are those that demonstarte courtesy, bravery and empathy to all unjustly treated creatures.
I can go on forever but I al so sleepy :)
Btw, I think there's something wrong with my internet settings, I didn't see your previous post! I think i needed to refresh the page and delete some cookies. Anyway, khairha ebghairha :)
Love,
Geish@
Hehe i think ill keep my patterns to myself this time hehe....great post and it really has me thinking about my dysfunctional patterns....fixing them is kind of hard :/ u have to be concious of urself and ur actions 24/7, in order to achieve such conciousness u need peace of mind, but how can u have peace of mind if ur slam bam in the middle of a dysfunctional pattern?
maybe it's the labelling that is putting me off a little bit, since i think what you insist on solely calling a pattern in this post is pretty diverse (in both manner and explanation) and can be 'distributed' on a number of other notions
for example, i can identify these various things from your post: perception, conception, prejudice, generalized misconception
i think you're summing them all up knowingly in the word 'pattern', but i'm not sure, just a guess
now, what if the pattern i wish to change is in thought only? i.e. it is not a behaviour per se, nor a manner, because there is no conducting of an action - not even in the sense of: 'the missing of action as an action', like when you say you meet a certain race and you feel intimated <- this is your reaction in a way
but what if it were not like that, and only in thought? can it be labelled dysfunctional? what do you think
Hi Everybody :)
Fuzzy,
Ana 7agritik ;p~
Geish@ Love,
I noticed you absence, but I thought you were busy with the flu and all :) We missed your input ;)
Most patterns are useful, as in nature. This is why we develop them in the first place. We use them few times and they work, so we keep on using them till they become a second nature.
Some patterns like courtesy and hospitality reflect a strength in a social skill (e.g. empathy) and/or reflect an enviromental conditioning (parenting or social customs ,, etc).
Sometimes we forget to check the validity of a certain patterns and turns to an annoying or not so effective pattern.
For example, I might develop this pattern: I "feel" uncomfortable or exited, I "think" I sould say something, and I "say" the first thing that comes to my mind.
This might of worked just beautifully when we were young and handeling relatively simpler situations and issues. But might not work in more complicated circumstances. So a regular check up helps a lot :)
Thanks for your input ;*
LOL .. DR :)
A so typical Gemini reply ;)
I know what you mean. But when it gets too dysfunctional you will have the motive to change it... Trust me :)
When do you get your grades? How far are you from graduating?
Temi Dear,
I agree that patterns are very diverse and complicated. They also correlate highly with personality traits which makes it harder to distinguish which is which. I tried to give a general feeling and left the details for the discussions.
Sometimes, as you said, a perception (sight, smell, touch) can trigger a feeling and/or a thought without an action. Actually we do an additional effort not to let that specific feeling/thought affect our action(s).
For example, I might see a mulla (someone with long beard and short dishdasha) and "feel" repulsed or "think" he must be a drug dealer ;) But, because I am aware of my pattern and obvious bias I do my best not to let that affect the way I treat that person. So I'd be as nice and as fair to him as anyone else. Or, I simply do not act on the thought that he is a drug dealer :)
In all cases this is a pattern. It might not be "dysfunctional" in the sense of harmful or ineffective. But it is inefficient (excuse all the spelling mistakes ;)). Why? Because my negative thought or feeling might make me miss great opprtunities. I might be nice and fair to that person. But I have no motive to "know" him because I have already labled him in my mind. Without this label we might end up to be best friends - just as example ;)
I talked a lot (again). Hope that clears my point. Please let me know if this example does not reflect your point.
Ummel3yal (Allah ya7feth-hom)
I've noticed this today:
Whenever I have to interact with a non-GCC Arab I imitate their lingo!! It's sometimes ok like when I'm talking to Egyptions and Lebanese but it's disasterous when they're from elsewhere!
I also have a rather comical body language when I'm talking to indians. I also tend to speak English with a funny accent and shaking my head accordingly!!
How can I break this habbit/pattern? Am serious :)
Lots of Love :*
Geish@
lol la bas khalas atoob atoob :)
ok when ever i make a long-distance call, i speak loud ! thinking inna my loud voice will get there faster :P
heeeeeeelp meeeeeeh
:(
another pattern
im left handed, i sit down to eat, start using the spoon/fork with my right hand, i concentrate on using my right hand, but i end up using my left hand !
yet,another pattern
when im speaking, in my mind i hear my self speaking loud ! but actually im speaking with hmmm Low volume hehehe chenna someone with a remote muted me :(
o kella people tell me " can you speak up " ! and i get made and say " GET A HEARING AID $#%$@%"
shasawi ?
Geish@ & Fuzzy .. You make me sound like Fouzia Drai3 .. LOL
Geish@ dear,
Mirroring the other might be an effective communication technique, though I personally don't like it :) But many NLP specialists recommend that.
But if you don't feel comfortable or you feel "silly" or you feel that it back fires sometimes, then it's time to change.
You have done step one: which is identifying th pattern. Next you need to explore where and how did you acquire this? Third, is practice. (role play, talking to a mirror ,, etc).
I used to think that non Kuwaitis can not get our accent and like you I used a funny mixed accent to make myself clear. But when I forced myself to talk the normal Kuwaiti accent, I found out that my fear of miscommunication was not founded. They could get my accent and I was more comfortable being myself :)
Fuzzy,
Ma agdar a7girik wayid. Especially that I just found out that we share so many signs of "genius" :) We're both lefties and have "soft" voices :)) This comes in addition to our abvious sweet tooth :))
Why do you want to change your eating preference? This is more of an action routine than a pattern. But in all cases I think you fail to change because you're not really convinced that you should. I remember my grandfather slapping my hand each time I carry a spoon with my left hand. But 40+ years later, I still do it and I'm proud of my leftiness. Left handed people are RIGHT minded :)
The same for the voice volume. People are just too lazy to pay attention so they want you to scream. Don't :) (so much for an objective advice)
As for talking in the phone as if you're talking to Basra in the TRUNK phone ,, this is a sign of AGING ..LOL
Ummel3yal el7elween ;)
So, you've studied NLP? That figures :)
A Map is not the road :p
Ed3eeli I have to submit my paper in 10 days hence, I might be out of sight for sometime :*
Grades? Tsadgeen madry :/ im dieing to know what happened, and yabela a long time to graduate June 2008 inshAllah!!
3ad i have a topic that will greatly interest you....might post about it soon. Im thinking :)
Salam 3alaikom UmmEl3yal :)
Three times now, I visit your post in an attempt to read and comment but get distracted by some other matter that needs attention :|
Finally, here I am. So much to read; couldn't read'em all. However..
1/ I kinda agree with Temetwir.
2/ I can't remember at the moment any patterns of mine, but I tend to 'mirror' others people accents when am talkin to them. (I have an American accent which is now coupled with Scottish one :| weird, ehh?)
3/ No-one is perfect and, just like everyone else, I do have my own flaws. I tried to correct most of them over the years, but I believe that my personality is now established and am just too old to change. My positives and negatives are what make ME, my character, my personality :)
so thaaaaaat's how i will eventually go compulsive obsessive!!!!
thanx a lot loool
Giesh@ love,
I studied NLP but not a big fan, especially not in the commercial stuff promoted in Kuwait.
Emawfiga dear with your paper. Keep us posted. Subject? Let me know if I can be of any help.
Witty dear,
Personality and patterns, though correlate, they are different. For example, as a personality trait, I might be shy. There is little to be done about that. But my shyness can create some patterns that I can change if I want to. Like: I feel shy, I think I can't do it and I pull myself out of a discussion. To break the pattern, I choose another thought or action to associate with the feeling of shyness!
I agree though, that with time we come to terms with our traits and enjoy them rather than resist them :)
Also, check my reply to Temi ;)
Arfana,
LOL .. so now you know ;)
It was funny how close our posts are in that term :))
Point well-taken :) but you asked what pattern do I have and wish to change :) Whatever patter I may have, it's unchangeable ;)
Great post as usual :*
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